


Eating Disorders and a Fear of Rectangles

by mcgarrygirl78



Series: C.J. McGarry: Second Lady [17]
Category: The West Wing
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 08:14:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,339
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6846589
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"You're a strong woman Mrs. McGarry, but you are carrying too much in your arms right now.  You'll stumble soon."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Eating Disorders and a Fear of Rectangles

**Author's Note:**

> The title comes from Josh's joke to Leo at the end of Noel.

CJ looked up from her schedule as Carol tapped on the door.

"He's here CJ."

"OK. Give me five minutes and then send him in."

Carol nodded as CJ stood and started to pace the room. She had to do this; she had to talk to him. Leo said she had to. CJ knew she had to. What she did not want was to bring up the memories. Her mother's death was off the table. Her father's death…so off the table. Her miscarriage, unfortunately a matter of public record, was off the table. OK, she would have to discuss the shootings, no way around it really. Never in her life did she think she would be involved in four shootings…girls from Dayton did not deal with that.

"Mrs. McGarry?"

CJ looked up, tried her best to smile.

"Good evening Dr. Keyworth. Can I offer you a drink?"

"No thank you."

"OK. I'm just going to make one for myself."

Stanley nodded. He remained standing by the door and that unnerved CJ. She wanted Bill in the room…she wanted to feel safe.

"Please don't loom Doctor." She said, turning her back to him. "Sit."

She poured a vodka tonic, took a deep breath, and sat down on the couch. Here we go…let the gutting begin. Stanley was silent for a while, staring at her and around the room with an almost blank expression on his face. CJ was going over in her head things she would not discuss; had nearly made a song out of it. Mother, father, baby, NASA. She had no idea how much time had gone by when she broke the silence.

"Dr. Keyworth?"

"Yes Mrs. McGarry?"

"Is this the latest in psychological treatment options? Let me just say that I have sat in quiet contemplation for hours and it has not worked.

Stanley managed a small smile.

"How are you today Mrs. McGarry?"

"Fine. I would really prefer if you called me CJ. I would prefer if this remained as informal as possible."

"Would that make you comfortable?"

"I seriously doubt it, but I would prefer."

"Will the drink make you comfortable Mrs. McGarry?"

"It will calm my nerves."

"Do you drink often to calm your nerves?" Stanley asked.

"Doesn't everyone? I usually have a glass of wine after the children are down."

"How often are you intoxicated?"

"Infrequently. I cannot give you a number."

"Days a month." Stanley pressed.

"One."

"Mrs. McGarry, one day a month?"

"I guess. Maybe two or three. Look, give me a month and I will give you a better answer. I don't like the idea of my children seeing me drunk."

"How about between the second election and now?"

"OK, two or three. Falling down drunk has never been my thing Dr. Keyworth."

"How does your husband feel about your drinking?" Stanley asked.

"I don't know what you mean."

"You don't know what I mean. Your husband has no opinion on your drinking?"

"I don't know really. He never tells me to stop."

"And you keep liquor in the house?"

"Yes. I have hiding places."

"You drink in front of him."

"Yes. We all do; Leo is in control of himself…he takes his sobriety seriously. It is something that rarely, if ever concerned me."

"You are intoxicated in front of him."

"I've been on occasion. I don't understand the point…"

"Your husband is an alcoholic Mrs. McGarry."

"Yes."

"And you drink in his presence."

"Yes."

"And you have been drunk around him."

"Yes." CJ let out an exasperated sigh.

"Do you hate your husband?" he asked.

Whoa, way to go for the jugular.

"Certainly not."

"You've said it in the past, haven't you?"

"We all say things we don't mean when we are angry or upset."

"Yes we do. Do you mean it when you tell him that you love him?"

"Yes." CJ sighed. "Look, Dr. Keyworth, I feel like we are going in circles. I know why you're here, you know why you're here…let's get to it."

"Get to what Mrs. McGarry?"

"The nightmares, the nerves, the headaches, the whole shebang. Maybe I have PTSD. That is your area of expertise, correct?"

"No Mrs. McGarry, self diagnosis never helped anyone. How frequent are the nightmares?"

"Infrequent." CJ rubbed her eyes. "Frequent."

"Which is it? Wanna add indecision to the list of symptoms?"

"Funny guy. More since the Inauguration. It is not the nightmares Dr. Keyworth, we all have them."

"OK. So tell me what it is."

CJ took a deep breath, sipping her vodka. She did not want to talk about it. Now that he was here, she did not want to talk about it. She did not want to talk about how her head and stomach ached thinking about Leo going to Europe next week.

"I have a headache." She said.

"Do you have headaches a lot?"

"Of course. Some migraines too…since grad school I have been taking prescribed Motrin. Can we maybe pick this up some other time?"

"No Mrs. McGarry, we do this now."

"No. I don't think you understand…"

"I understand. I understand you don't want to open a box that may never be closed and locked again. Why don't you tell me what causes the headaches."

"Stress." CJ replied.

"Just stress. There are no other factors?"

"Lack of sleep, maybe. Fear and anxiety."

"What are you afraid of?"

"Um, what am I not afraid of? Someone is going to try to hurt my children. That this job will be responsible for the death of their father one way or another."

"Your husband?" Stanley asked.

"Yeah."

"Do you fear for your own life?"

"I don't know…I am tired of being in danger. Does that count?"

"What would you do if Leo died?"

"Oh God, I am not answering that."

"It is your greatest fear. You had to have thought about it."

"It is not my greatest fear, and I'm not answering it. Move along."

Yeah, move along. CJ stood and began to pace the floor. She felt trapped and nervous. Her hands trembled and she needed a cigarette. She no longer wanted to be alone with him.

"I want an agent in the room." She said suddenly.

"Excuse me?"

"I want my agent in the room."

"Are you feeling…do you feel unsafe?"

Stanley stood as CJ brushed past him. She opened the door, looking at Carol, Sylvie, Bill, and Mac.

"Bill, would you come in here please?"

He walked into the room, examining Stanley with intense brown eyes.

"Are you alright Mrs. McGarry?"

"You will stay." She said.

"Of course ma'am. I'll be right here like I always am."

Nodding, CJ's heart rate slowed a bit. She patted Bill's arm, went back to the chair and sat down. Stanley followed suit. Not caring who liked it, she lit a Marlboro Ultra Light. Stanley declined her offer to share.

"I did not think smoking was allowed in federal buildings." He said. "I'm not telling…Bill certainly won't." CJ looked at him with a raised eyebrow as she took a deep inhale of her cigarette, let it out, and sipped her vodka.

Stanley looked back again at the Secret Service agent. He was tall, maybe 5'10", 6', and built like a defensive lineman. He had a close-cropped haircut, a trim mustache, and dark chocolate skin. His suit was tailor made and there was a quiet introspection behind his eyes that did not betray his training to kill. CJ seemed to trust him with her life…only him.

"You trust Bill?" Stanley asked.

"Yes."

"With your life?"

"Of course."

"What would you do if he jumped in front of a bullet to spare your life?"

CJ shrugged. He already had. He was even supposed to be in the pressroom that night. Leo did not like CJ being alone while pregnant but she begged him off. They were in the White House; nothing would happen to her with Toby and Will there.

"I don't know. Too many people have to sacrifice for me. I already lost Simon…I could not handle losing Bill."

Stanley looked at the agent again. His stance had not changed but the look in his eyes softened. Obviously, his protectee was very important to him. Stanley wondered how important.

"How long has Bill been with you Mrs. McGarry?"

"Um, God it's been nearly nine years. He was part of the original team Ron Butterfield put together when I was being threatened and stalked. Simon's team."

"You must be very close to him." Stanley said.

"Of course. What are you getting at Dr. Keyworth? Ask me if I'm fucking Bill. Go on, I've heard worse."

"Are you attracted to him? You obviously believe he is the only one who makes your comfort and safety his number one priority."

CJ stood again. She lit cigarette #2 and sprinkled food in Jack's bowl. Her beta made it through the first Administration…hopefully his luck wouldn't run out during the second. He was supposed to have three times the lifespan of a goldfish and Gail had nearly closed out the Bartlet Administration.

"Bill is a cute guy…look at the muscles. And I feel monumentally guilty that he has little to no love life because he has to be with me all the time. He is my friend but he is also paid very well to keep me safe. If not me then some Senator's wife. No matter what goes on in my twisted mind, please never question Bill's allegiance."

"Tell me about the Valium Mrs. McGarry."

"There is nothing to tell." CJ replied.

"So, you were not taking Valium for nine months?" Stanley asked.

"On and off, when I needed to. Look, I was not addicted to Valium. I understand Leo's…" CJ took a deep breath. "Never mind."

"Mrs. McGarry, sit down. Stop pacing, stop smoking, and take a deep breath. We have some time to go."

"Time is not up yet?" she asked.

"No ma'am."

CJ sat down and crossed her legs. She lit cigarette #3.

"Why don't we talk about what triggered the nightmares? When did you have the first one?"

"That night in the hospital. After I was shot."

"After you were held hostage by Daniel Altman?"

"Yeah. Hey, did you know that Bill was shot with four tranquilizer darts before going down? That is unheard of."

"Yeah. Impressive really. What was the nightmare about?"

"Being raped."

"By Altman?"

CJ shook her head.

"I don't know. I never see a face."

"Is that what the dreams are always about?"

"Yes."

"Were you raped Mrs. McGarry?"

"Excuse me?"

"In your life, has anyone ever hurt you that way?"

"That is none of your business. I am not answering that."

"It is my business, though I certainly cannot force you to answer any of my questions. This is entirely for and to your benefit ma'am. You have frequent, vivid nightmares about being raped."

"Try being a woman in power Dr. Keyworth. How else will men assert their power over you? It is a tool that is still used everyday…it is happening as we have this conversation."

"Did Daniel Altman rape you Mrs. McGarry?"

"No."

"But you dream he did?"

"I don't know who it is in my dreams. Can we change the subject please? There are a host of other questions I would like to avoid."

Stanley paused for a while, gave CJ room to breathe. He was not there to beat her up…he was there to help. He expected her to close herself off; make it difficult for him to get to both the real problem and the real solution. He had seen this in nearly all of his patients…CJ McGarry was no different.

"Mrs. McGarry you need help. You admitted as much to your husband. Why do you think you need help?"

"Having nightmares and being paranoid are certainly not normal. The headaches and stomachaches are no picnic in the park either." CJ ran her fingers through her hair and drank some more. "I want to feel better."

"Did the Valium make you feel better?" Stanley asked.

"If you call vaguely being aware of what's going on around you better, then yes. The last six months of the last Administration were…taxing. I did not even have the time and energy to become a drug addict."

"Why did you start the Valium in the first place?"

"I could not sleep. Abbey Bartlet prescribed it…its not rare or anything. I used it to sleep."

"Did you need to sleep after your father died?"

"I am not talking about my father. End of story. He has nothing to do with this."

"Your father did not like your husband."

"Stop it Stanley; I will not be baited."

"He said that Leo would hurt you; leave you when you needed him most."

"Stop it, please."

"And look at that, he was right. You have been nothing but hurt by him."

"No."

"If not for him there would be no nightmares, no gunshots, and definitely no Daniel Altman."

"Its not…" CJ covered her face with her hands and tried to catch her breath. "It is not Leo's fault. It is my fault, my weakness."

"Why do you think you're weak Mrs. McGarry?"

"I let him get away with it." CJ wiped her eyes but the tears reappeared within moments. "I roll over and Leo walks all over me. If I would just put my foot down…we did not need to do this again. I used to put my foot down. How can I love him the way he takes advantage of me?"

"How does he do that?" Stanley asked.

"Because I love him too much to leave him and he knows that. I'm not Jenny; I will never leave him while he needs me. I will never take his children away."

"And he takes advantage?"

"Of course he does!" CJ exclaimed. "And what do I do; I just smile through it. I allow him to assert himself while losing myself. I fade further into the background of his life."

"Do you fear that he doesn't love you?"

"Of course he loves me." CJ sniffled and took a couple of deep breaths. "He just…he's Leo. I knew all of this when I decided to become his wife."

"You knew that he would have a massive heart attack, give you his job, and then run for Vice-President of the United States?"

"That is not what I meant." CJ mumbled.

"Tell me what you mean Mrs. McGarry."

"Just once I want to be first. I want to be the most important thing in his life. I thought after the heart attack, after he had to leave his position, that I would finally have my husband. I thought he would just once make a decision based on my feelings."

"Is it Leo who rapes you in your dreams?"

"My God, that is sick!"

"It's metaphorical. It's…"

"I don't care. Don't you ever say anything like that to me again."

"He weakens you, makes you small, or so you feel sometimes."

"I thought the dreams may have something to do with how vulnerable and open I feel. You said earlier that Leo dying was my worst nightmare. No Dr. Keyworth, being violated is."

"Why don't you tell him?"

"What?"

"Everything you told me."

"Because we fight too much. That's all this life has been…one big fight. I'm sick of being ready to catch the shit from all the slinging. I knew it wouldn't be easy but this is more than I can handle sometimes."

"Why can't you tell him that?"

"His guilt eats him alive. Deep down Leo knows I blame him and he probably blames himself. He is stressed enough; I refuse to add to that."

"OK. So you would rather wake in a cold sweat and fear of what would happen if you let your children out of your sight. You're a strong woman Mrs. McGarry but you are carrying too much in your arms right now. You'll stumble soon."

"I have to hold him up; be there for him. I can't desert him."

"No one has mentioned deserting at all in this conversation. Tell me how much of a help you will be to him from a psych ward? How will you be a good mother to your children if you go crazy?"

CJ shrugged. She sipped what was left of her drink and lit another cigarette. The room already had a foggy element; in a few minutes, the alarms would sound.

"I don't know what else to do." CJ said. "This is what I have always done."

"Suffered in silence? This is what you have always done?"

"I call it surviving Dr. Keyworth."

"You are not surviving anymore Mrs. McGarry. You are in a lot of pain and you need to talk to your husband. It may not be easy, at first, but I am here right now to listen if you would like to begin with me."

"How do I even begin to talk to Leo?" CJ asked in a resigned tone.

"Tell him what the nightmares are about."

"No!"

"Yes ma'am."

"I've already lied to him about it too many times to count. If I tell him he'll…I don't even know."

"You don't need to tell him everything tonight Mrs. McGarry. Soon the rift will grow and you'll look up and be married only on paper. Don't you love your husband?"

"I told you I did."

"Then do what you know you need to do. Tell him once, truthfully, brutally. Let him back into your world."

CJ didn't say anything as she took one last puff and put the cigarette out. She looked over at Bill and then at Stanley.

"Alright. I can try; I can't promise. How do you tell someone you love more than anything that they've let you down repeatedly?"

"You think he doesn't know already? Leo McGarry is a very intelligent man. He is aware of every time he's hurt you, as well as every time you let it go. This conversation is not about revenge, it's about revelation. There may be things he wants to tell you too."

"How much did I pay you to tell me to go and talk to my husband? That's free, I could have figured that out myself."

"Sometimes it's more than figuring out the obvious ma'am. I definitely think we should talk again."

"What for?" CJ's defenses were up again.

"Follow-up. To discuss what was easy to tell your husband, what was hard. Things you chose to omit or things that you placed at a higher importance."

"I'm not sure I want to do that." CJ replied.

"To be perfectly honest ma'am, it was not a request."

"Ah, well OK."

"Your health and happiness are very important to him." Stanley said.

"Are you married Dr. Keyworth?"

"Yes."

"Maybe I should have invited your wife to talk to me tonight. Wives of workaholics," she smirked. "Maybe that should have been my platform for the second Administration…I could start a support group."

"Yes ma'am."

"Are we done here? I'm not being difficult, I am just hungry and I want to kiss my children."

"Alright Mrs. McGarry. I am going to want to talk to you in seven days. I will set something up with your secretary."

"Assistant. Carol is my assistant." CJ said.

"Yes, I'm sorry." Stanley stood and held out his hand. "Good luck Mrs. McGarry."

"The handshake is a nice gesture, but I think I need you to say the rosary and spin around three times."

Stanley smiled as she shook his hand.

"Goodnight ma'am."

"Goodnight Dr. Keyworth. Thank you."

"Only thank me if this works. I was entirely guessing about both the problem and the solution."

CJ laughed. The real CJ laugh, when her head fell back and you could see her gleaming smile.

"There it is." Stanley said. "Bottle that and I think you will be just fine."

***


End file.
